諷刺之道

諷刺係一把雙刄劍。有腦嘅人聽咗笑完之後會諗深一層, 仲要多謝你點醒佢添。笨人可能會牛皮燈籠咁, 點極都唔明, 就算聽明咗仲可能會嬲你一世。

諷刺嘅層面可以由惡意傷人到老友之間無傷大雅嘅搞笑。 拿捏得度就係幽默; 去到盡不留情面就會損人自尊。 唔係人人都識得點去諷刺。過火就成日得罪人, 搞到朋友到冇個。

日常生活中偶然適度咁諷刺下, 談話之間加兩錢幽默, 好似煮餸落些少蔥花, 吊下味就會冇咁單調。不過一日到黑口沒遮攔, 自以為了不起, 叻唔切咁周圍逢人就啄, 得罪人多稱呼人少, 咁以後人地唔只當你講嘢冇句真, 仲當你係神枱貓屎, 神憎鬼厭。

以下係一啲諷刺示範(附上拙譯), 睇下得啖笑好喇, 千祈唔好太認真。

祝各位週末愉快!

1) Everyone has the right to be stupid --- but you're abusing the privilege.

  每個人都有權利做蠢事, 但你濫用了這權利。

2) When someone says: "Expect the unexpected", slap them and say, "you didn't   expect that, did you?"

  當某人說: "期望意外之得", 掌他一記耳光, 然後說: "意料不到吧, 是嗎?"

3) Sarcasm: The ability to insult idiots without them realizing it.

  諷刺: 侮辱一個白痴而不為他察覺的能力。

4) I am not sarcastic, I am brutally honest.

  我並不是有意嘲諷, 我只是粗暴地坦白。

5) I like rumours! I find out so much about me that I didn't even know.

  我喜歡謠言! 我找出那麼多連我也不知道有關自己的事情。

6) I can tell that you are lying, your lips are moving.

  我知道你在撒謊, 你的嘴唇在動。

7) I am not always sarcastic. Sometimes I am sleeping.

  我並不是整天都在挖苦他人的。有時候我在睡覺。

8) I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

  我永遠不會忘記一張面孔, 但對你來說, 我樂意破例。

9) Find your patience before I lose mine.

  在我失去耐性之前, 你得耐着性子。

10) I am not arguing! I am just explaining why I'm right.

   我不想爭辯! 我只是解釋為何我是對的。

11) Laughing is the best medicine. But if you are laughing for no reason, you need  medicine.

   笑是最佳良藥。但假如你無故發笑, 你需要服藥。

12) If "Plan A" didn't work, the alphabet has 25 more letters! Stay cool.

   假如計劃A無效, 保持冷靜。字母表還另有25個字母。

13)“Sometimes I need what only you can provide: your absence.” Ashleigh Brilliant

    有時候我需要只有你才能提供的東西: 你的缺席。

14) “If you find it hard to laugh at yourself, I would be happy to do it for you.”  Groucho Marx

    假如你難於取笑自己, 我倒樂替你做。

15)“Marriage is the chief cause of divorce.” Groucho Marx

    離婚主要的起因是結婚。

16)“I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.” Groucho Marx

    我發覺電視極富教育意義。每次有人開着電視, 我便去另一房間看書。

17)“Calamities are of two kinds: misfortunes to ourselves, and good fortune to others.” Ambrose Bierce

    災難分兩種: 自己的不幸和他人的好運。

18)“I believe in luck: how else can you explain the success of those you don't like?” Jean Cocteau

    我相信運氣: 除此你如何解釋你不喜歡的人的成功?

19)“I'll always cherish the original misconception I had of you.” Unknown

    我會永遠珍惜我最先對你的誤解。

20)“I don't know why we are here, but I'm pretty sure that it is not in order to enjoy ourselves.”   Ludwig Wittgenstein

    我不知道為何我們聚在一起, 但我絕對肯定目的不是來尋樂。

21)“Many wealthy people are little more than janitors of their possessions.” Frank Lloyd Wright

    很多富人只是他們自己財物的看門人。

22)“We didn't lose the game; we just ran out of time.” Vince Lombardi

    我們沒有輸; 我們只是不夠時間。

23)“When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.” Emo Philips

    我小時候每晚都祈禱, 希望得到一輛單車。後來我明白這對上帝來說是行不 通的。因此我偷了一輛單車, 然後向上帝乞求寬恕。

24)“If you don't read the newspaper, you are uninformed; if you do read the newspaper, you are misinformed.”  Mark Twain

    假如不讀報, 你便不了解情況; 假如讀報, 你便被便誤導。

25)“Do something productive. Stop being yourself.”  Sarcasm Society

    幹點有益的事罷, 別再做自己了。

26)“Don't be humble. You're not that great.” Golda Meir

    無需謙虛。你沒有那樣偉大。

27)“I want either less corruption, or more chance to participate in it.”  Ashleigh Brilliant

    我渴望(社會)少一點貪腐, 不然就希望我有更多參與貪腐的機會。

28)“To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first, and call whatever you hit the target.” Ashleigh Brilliant

    確保打中靶子就是先發射, 然後隨意將擊中之處設為目標。

29)“A consensus means that everyone agrees to say collectively what no one believes individually. ”  Abba Eban

   「共識」就是指所有人一致同意自己不相信的東西。

30)“I would like to take you seriously, but to do so would be an affront to your intelligence.”  George Bernard Shaw

    我樂意把你的說話當真, 但如此對你的智慧則是個侮辱。

31)“Martyrdom: The only way a man can become famous without ability.” George Bernard Shaw

    殉道: 人無需具備能力而能揚名的唯一方法。

32)“The single biggest problem in communication is the illusion that it has taken place.”  George Bernard Shaw

    溝通上唯一最大的困難就是以為已經達成溝通那種錯覺。

33)“A true friend stabs you in the front.” Oscar Wilde

    真正的朋友在你胸前捅刀。

34)“I sometimes think that God in creating man somewhat overestimated his ability.” Oscar Wilde

    有時候我感覺上帝造人, 多少是高估了自己的能力。

35)“One should always be in love. That is the reason one should never marry.” Oscar Wilde

    人必須長期戀愛。因此人絕對永遠不要結婚。

36)“The world is a stage, but the play is badly cast.”   Oscar Wilde

    世界是個舞台, 但戲劇選角糟透了。

37)“Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.” Mark Twain

    閱讀健康指南要小心。你可能因手民之誤而喪命。

38)“Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt.” Mark Twain

    默不作聲而被視為笨蛋, 總勝過張聲而消除他人的疑慮。

39)“Get your facts first, then you can distort them as you please.” Mark Twain

    先找出事實, 然後依自己的心意于以歪曲。

40)“I have been complimented many times and they always embarrass me; I always feel that they have not said enough.” Mark Twain

    我常被恭維而感到尶尬; 但總覺得他們話未說盡。

41)“I never let schooling interfere with my education.” Mark Twain

    我永不容許學校教育干預我自身的教育。

42)“It's better to be black than gay because when you're black you don't have to tell your mother.” Charles Pierce

    作為黑人勝過作為同性戀者, 因為黑人不用告訴媽媽自己是黑人。

43)“I may be drunk, Miss, but in the morning I will be sober and you will still be ugly.” Winston Churchill

   小姐, 或許我是醉了。但明天早晨我自會清醒過來, 而你的樣子依然難看。

44)“A conclusion is the place where you get tired of thinking.” Steven Wright

    下結論之時, 也就是你厭倦思考的時候。

45)“I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.” Rodney Dangerfield

    我多年沒跟老婆說話了。我不想打斷她的話柄。

46)“My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She's ninety-seven now, and we don't know where the hell she is.” Ellen DeGeneres

  我亞嬤60歲開始每日行5里。 依家佢97歲, 我地都唔知佢行鬼咗去邊。

47)“The only thing worse than being talked about is not being talked about.” Oscar Wilde

   冇人提起你, 慘過有人講你閒話。

48)“Weather forecast for tonight: dark.” George Carlin

    今晚天氣預測: 漆黑

49)  Learn from your parents' mistakes, use birth control!

    從你父母的失誤中汲取教訓: 採取避孕措施吧!

50)  I'm not sure what's wrong... But it's probably your fault!

    我不清楚發生了什麼麻煩...但很可能是你的錯!

51)  People who have no faults are terrible; there is no way of taking advantage of them.

    沒有缺點的人很可怕; 你根本無法佔他的便宜。

52)  Smile, it's the second best thing you can do with your lips.

    笑, 那是運用你的嘴唇的次佳動作。

53)  Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all its students!

    時間是最佳的老師; 可惜它殺光它的學生!

54)  I'm smiling. This should scare you.

    我笑緊。 仲嚇你唔死。

55)  Whatever you do, don't congratulate yourself too much. You're not that good.

     做任何事情都不要沾沾自喜。 你並不是那麼棒。

56)  Mom: Have you picked out what you’re wearing to school tomorrow?

    Me: Yeah.

    Mom: What is it?

    Me: Clothes!

    媽媽: 決定咗聽日番學著乜未呀?

    我: 決定咗喇。

    媽媽: 乜呀?

    我: 衫囉!

57)  If ignorance is bliss. You must be the happiest person on this planet.

    假如無知是快樂, 你一定是地球上最快樂的人。

58)  I went on a diet, stopped smoking dope, cut out the drinking and heavy eating, and in fourteen days I lost two weeks.

    我停吸大麻、唔飲酒、唔暴食。結果14日之內我唔見咗兩個禮拜。

59)  I clapped because it’s finished, not because I like it.

    我鼓掌因為事情已經結束, 並不是因為我喜歡它。

60)  3 AM. Phone call

    - Hey are you asleep?

    - No, I was in coma thank you for rescuing me!

    清晨時份電話鈴聲大作

    --- 喂, 你瞓咗未呀?

    --- 冇呀, 我昏迷咗, 多謝你救番醒我!

61)  Oh… I didn’t tell you…. Then it must be none of your business.

     啊...我冇話你知...咁件事一定同你無關。

62) Someone said that you didn’t have half a brain, but I defended you, I insisted that you did!

     有人話你半隻腦都冇, 不過我撐你, 我堅持你有!

63)  A washing my car:

     B: Hey what’s up? Washing your car?

     A: No, I’m watering it to see if it’ll grow into a bus.

     甲洗緊車:

     乙: 做緊乜呀, 洗車?

     甲: 唔係呀, 我灑緊水睇下架車會唔會快高長大變成一架巴士啫。

64)  I find it funny…

    But I have forgotten how to laugh... Damn!

    幾好笑吖 ... 不過我唔記得點樣笑 ... 頂!

65)  Police pulls over a speeding car:

    Cop: Mam, do you know why am I standing here?

    Driver: Cause you got all D’s in high school?

    交通警察截獲超速駕駛者:

    警察: 小姐, 知唔知點解我企喺呢度?

    小姐: 係咪你中學讀書科科D呀?

66)  Before talking please connect the tongue to the brain.

     說話之前, 請將舌頭和腦袋連線。

67)  You are funny, you make everyone laugh except when you joke.

     你都幾有趣喎, 除咗你開玩笑嘅時候, 你搞到個個都笑。

68)  No, you don’t have to repeat yourself, … I was ignoring you the first time.

     唔使重覆你講嘅嘢... 一開始我已經當你冇到。

69)  ---You fell asleep?
     ---No I just closed by eyes for few hours.

     ---你瞓咗呀?

     ---冇呀, 我合埋眼幾個鐘頭之嘛。

70)  Just because people don’t understand you doesn’t mean you’re an artist.

    人地唔明白你並非表示你係藝術家。

71)  DAD… What do you want to be when you grow up?

    KID… An adult.

    父: 亞仔, 大個咗想做乜呀?

    子: 做成年人囉。

72) Cashier: Hi can I help you?

   Me: No I just stood in line for 20 minutes to say hi.

   收銀員: 你好, 有乜可以幫到你呀?

   我: 冇嘢, 我排咗4個字隊想同你打聲招呼啫。

73) Her face makes me wanna learning boxing.

   她的面孔令我想學拳擊。

74) Early to bed early to rise just means you didn’t get invited to the party.

   早睡早起, 即係話冇人請你開party.

75) A: I hate ugly things.

   B: So I’m sure that you hate mirrors.

   A: 我討厭醜陋的東西。

   B: 所以我肯定你一定討厭鏡子。

76) Person 1: What time is it?

   Person 2: Do I look like a clock to you?

   甲: 請問依家幾點呀?

   乙: 乜我個樣似隻鐘咩?

77) The movie was awesome!! My favorite part was when it ended.

   套戲好正! 我最鍾意散場嗰部份。

78) Teacher asked why are you late?

   Student: Because I didn’t come in early.

   老師: 點解又遲到?

   學生: 我冇早到囉。

79) Person 1: You look great !

   Person 2: Sorry ! I can’t say the same about you.

   Person 1: Just do like me … Lie !

   甲: 嘩, 你好靚喎!

   乙: 對唔住, 我唔可以回贈呢句。

   甲: 學我咁, 講句違心話喇!

80) Girl 1: Do you like my new dress?

   Girl 2: Yeah, I like it… Are you wearing it for Halloween? :)

   甲女: 鍾意我件衫嘛?

   乙女: 鍾意...係咪Halloween嗰日著呀?

81) A- “What time is it?”

   B- “There’s a clock right there.”

   A- “Did I ask you where the clock was!?”

   A: 幾點呀, 依家?

   B: 嗰度咪有隻鐘囉。

   A: 乜我問你隻鐘喺邊咩?

82) Tell me how I have upset you, because I want to know how to do it again.

   話我知我有冇得罪到你, 因為我想知點樣可以做多一次。

83) Person 1: Can I ask you a question?

   Person 2: You just did!

   甲: 可以問你一個問題嘛?

   乙: 你啱啱問咗啦。

84) It’s not that they’re ugly. It’s just that everybody else is better looking.

   你並唔醜樣喎。只係其他人個個靚樣D啫。

85) If I promise to miss you, will you go away?

   如果我話會掛住你, 你可唔可以離開呀?

86) Don’t worry you’re not as dumb as you look.

   唔使擔心, 你冇你個樣咁蠢。

87) Police pulls over a speeding car ;

   COP: I’ve been waiting for you all day.

   DRIVER: Yeah well I got here as fast as I could.

   交通警員截獲超速駕駛者:

   警員: 我等咗你成日喇。

   超駕者: 所以我踩行油門趕住嚟囉。

88) We crush the caterpillars then complain there are no butterflies.

   我們踩死毛虫, 然後埋怨沒有蝴蝶。

89) I hold the key to world peace, but somebody changed the lock!"

   我手持世界和平之鑰匙, 但有人把鎖換掉。

90) "A celebrity is a person who works hard all his life to become well known, then       wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized."

   名人終生苦幹以求出名, 然後戴上墨鏡以免被人認出。

91) Always borrow money from a pessimist; they don't expect to be paid back.

   經常向悲觀主義者借錢; 他們不會期望你會還債。

92) Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them。

   有些人的存在是因為殺人屬於違法。

93) If practice makes perfect, and there is no such thing as perfect, why practice?

   假如練習能臻完善, 而世上並無完善, 那麼為何還要練習?

94) My door is Always open, so feel free to leave!

   我的大門常開, 想走自便!

95) Why do tourists go to the top of tall buildings and then put money in telescopes so       they can see things on the ground in close-up?

   為何遊客喜歡跑到摩天大樓樓頂, 然後付錢用望遠鏡看地面特寫?

96) Don't talk about yourself so much... we'll do that when you leave.

  咪成日掛住講自己啦...你走開咗我地會講架喇。

哈哈, 後面隻傻佬一啲幽默感都冇, 睇完Peter篇blog之後木口木面, 冇厘表情, 同佢講嘢真係嘥gas。